Housewarming

My landlord comes by. Tries to be nice. He tells me, "Bernard, I like you, but the rent's way overdue, and I've got people lining up around the block for this apartment." "Lining up around the block?" I ask that sumbitch. "Who wants to live in this crack house?" And he says, "You livin' here, ain't you?"

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

Kids are cute, babies are cute, puppies are cute. The little things are cute. See, nature did this on purpose so that we would want to take care of our young. Made them cute. Tricked us. Then gradually they get older and older, until one day your mother sits you down and says, "You know, I think you're ugly enough to get your own apartment."