“My husband's car goes from zero to sixty in ten seconds, and that makes him happy. I just don't know why he'd ever want to do that. Maybe someday he'll find an open stretch of road and play Frisbee with himself.Rita Rudner
“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?Rita Rudner
“Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, “Never take candy from strangers.” And then they dressed me up and said, “Go beg for it.” I didn’t know what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and go, “Trick or treat.” “No thank you.”Rita Rudner
“I was asking my friend who has children, "What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and it grows up to hate me. And it blames everything wrong with its life on me." And she said, "What do you mean, 'if'?"Rita Rudner