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Mitch Hedberg

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I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity.

Mitch Hedberg

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I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

Mitch Hedberg

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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg

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I find that ducks' opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Mitch Hedberg

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I got into an argument with my girlfriend inside a tent. A tent is not a good place for an argument. I tried to walk out on her and had to slam the flap.

Mitch Hedberg

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I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.

Mitch Hedberg

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