“There's a lot to do when you have a baby. The first thing, which is taking me a really long time: I have to figure out who the father is.Heidi Joyce
“Why does women's underwear have lace and flowers all over it? You never see men's underwear with a big wrench in the middle of it.Heidi Joyce
“I can't believe we still have the Miss America pageant. This is America! Where we're not supposed to judge people based on how they look; we're supposed to judge people based on how much money they make.Heidi Joyce
“We planned this beautiful, totally natural, unmedicated delivery. What kind of stupid-ass idea is that? Next time I want the epidural at the moment of conception. Numb for nine months.Heidi Joyce