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Heidi Joyce

“

There's a lot to do when you have a baby. The first thing, which is taking me a really long time: I have to figure out who the father is.

Heidi Joyce

“

I used to be driven, but I pulled over.

Heidi Joyce

“

Why does women's underwear have lace and flowers all over it? You never see men's underwear with a big wrench in the middle of it.

Heidi Joyce

“

I can't believe we still have the Miss America pageant. This is America! Where we're not supposed to judge people based on how they look; we're supposed to judge people based on how much money they make.

Heidi Joyce

“

We planned this beautiful, totally natural, unmedicated delivery. What kind of stupid-ass idea is that? Next time I want the epidural at the moment of conception. Numb for nine months.

Heidi Joyce

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