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Emo Philips

“

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Emo Philips

“

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Emo Philips

“

The highway cop said, "Walk a straight line." I said, "Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves." He said, "You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?" I thought, "Oooh, a paradox!"

Emo Philips

“

I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into corners very well."

Emo Philips

“

I was walking down the street. Something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

Emo Philips

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