Home Improvement

I haven't had a boyfriend for, like, a hundred years, and I'm at that point where I could really use a guy on a Saturday for about six hours. You know what I mean? Because everything in my apartment is broken.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

I got a gas grill, but it came unassembled. It looked like a car bomb. Every guy's been where I've been. You finish building it, it looks great, but there's a weird bag of important-looking stuff left over. "Honey? Why don't you try the grill out first? I'll be in the basement with my welding hat on."